A Manifesto for the first day of World Cup 2006

Here is a brief manifesto I posted in the halls of my workplace. Proselytizing rarely is successful, but sometimes I feel a need to clang my sword against my shield and shake my fist at Mt. Olympus.

Why Soccer? A Brief Manifesto
What is the appeal of soccer? Well, in some countries, soccer is a communal activity that has deep social implications and obligations. We won't dwell on these off-field connotations.

In a nutshell, soccer is a game where 11 players try to score more goals than the 11 players on the opposing team. They have two 45 minute halves to do so. Ten of the players on each team are allowed to use any part of their bodies except the parts where they have the most control and dexterity: their arms and hands. Using their feet to simultaneously run and control the ball, the players try to negotiate about 115 yards of park-like field, get the ball past the opposing 10 field players, then shoot the ball into an 8 yard by 8 foot net guarded by an opponent who is allowed to use his hands.

Oh yes, each team is allowed a maximum of three substitutes in the 90 minute game, so you've got to be able to maintain your edge despite the enervating effects of fatigue. Soccer is not easy, and it makes for good entertainment.

Most Americans don't like soccer for one simple reason: They don't understand it. People fear what they don't understand, and they don't understand soccer because:

1. I'm confused. In soccer players aren't confined to certain locations on the field and the team structure isn't reset for every play. The structure is very fluid as the players shift to form their passing angles when their team has the ball, or move to close down space when the opposition has the ball. In this aspect soccer is nothing like football or baseball. It is similar to basketball , but with more than twice the number of players on a field that is sixteen times bigger, the complexity is much greater. This mutability makes a match difficult to analyze as to why things are going right (or wrong) unless one has watched or played much soccer. Men get cranky when they appear ignorant, so American men avoid these situations by watching sports that have more structure. (These sports are simpler to comprehend, but to manufacture this simplicity complex rules have to be in place, sapping the spontaneity of the sport.)

2. Will you hold my hand? Here in America, people don't have the extensive "buddy system" to support the social needs that accompany sports. They haven't been raised in a family that supports a team (like a Bostonian may have been raised to love the Red Sox), and they don't have the network of friends with whom to root for a collectively revered team -- or to rib when opinions diverge on team loyalties. These communal networks are good for more than synchronized cheering or competitive jocularity; they also provide a medium by which fans are instructed in the sport and learn its lore. We are wired to be gregarious beings, so this is completely understandable. If you want to learn soccer, you have to seek out a new social network, build a buddy system of your own, or be content living as a lone wolf. None of these paths is easy, and people prefer easy.

3. The box tells me what to think. Speaking of easy: it is easier to digest what is spoon fed to us. Media (particularly TV) serves the pablum of contemporary society, and the sports media does not really discuss soccer. Why? Several reasons. For one, sportscasters are worse than your average man when it comes to wanting to avoid looking ignorant, and they have not been immersed in soccer lore so they avoid the topic. They stick to sports that have the easy statistics to memorize and repeat, plus the existing sports have an existing base of fans, and that makes building an audience easier, frankly. Second, soccer is not very TV friendly because it provides 45 straight minutes without a timeout. TV must have its ads or it is reticent to broadcast the show ... unless it's really newsworthy like a white SUV racing down a highway (as long as it has a sport celebrity in it). Sportscasters will hide their ignorance in the usual manner: by going on the offensive with disparaging remarks and childish peeves:

• "It's boring." But you'll watch golf? Or NASCAR? Or a baseball game? That suggests that "boring" is not an issue with you, but an individual inability to discern complexity is an issue. (See "I'm Confused" above.)
• "They run around in silly shorts." (This is a pathetic but true argument for some.) And what do basketball players wear? And are shorts more ridiculous that the knickers in baseball? Or in football?
• "The players all have mullets." Well, that's not entirely true, but I'll grant you that some players do sport ridiculous hairstyles. But you see that in basketball and, since the 80s or so, in football too. Plus there are more tattoos in basketball and football ... and even in baseball, which just seems wrong. (And mullets don't stop people from watching NASCAR, if that can be considered a sport.)
• "Real sports use the hands." How is a sport made lesser by requiring more demanding athleticism? Remove the feature that provides easy control, and require the clumsy parts of the body to provide the control while also providing the mobility and balance. What concept of "challenge" do you fail to understand?

4. Buy American. Soccer is viewed as "foreign." This ties all of the other issues together in one big bow. The complexities are alien, which is why we can't understand it. The primary soccer institutions are in other countries, which is why we don't have the social networks here to support a soccer habit. And, finally, them dang foreigners are a bit freaky, so it's downright commonsensical and even patriotic to despise soccer. Yet, while soccer is definitely not the core activity of our culture, it has been here as long as anywhere else outside of England. We've had soccer clubs since the earliest days, with one of the earliest formal club formed in Boston in 1862. It was the first soccer club anywhere outside of England, even predating the formation of Scottish teams. After the Civil War, upper-class colleges took up the game, as did working-class communities of immigrants. In 1884 in Newark, the American Football Association was formed as the fourth national association in the world. In 1930, the US was one of only 13 nations to compete in the first World Cup. This predates England's World Cup history. The USA (and France) had the first World Cup victory in history. The US beat Belgium 3-0, while France beat Mexico at the same time. In that same Cup competition, an American registered the first first hat trick (3 goals in a game) in World Cup history, with USA's 3-0 victory over Paraguay. In the 1950 World Cup, USA handed England its first ever World Cup loss in a 1-0 decision. This game is immortalized in the movie "The Game of Their Lives." The US has a long history with soccer, but we tend to ignore this because of the homogenation of our society since World War II. And besides, one of our strengths as a nation is taking foreign ideas and making them our own. Soccer might not be your cup of tea. Fair enough. But don't think that avoiding soccer makes you patriotic; it makes you provincial and parochial.

Luckily, you aren't a moron, you don't fear learning new things, you aren't a slave to the media, and you aren't xenophobic, so you just might find soccer to your liking if you give it a chance. Watch some games this World Cup. Feel free to stop by and talk with me if you want to discuss the competition or find out when the US plays. Go USA!